can beauty come out of ashes?

Today is April 3rd, 2020. We are in the middle of the Coronavirus pandemic. 

In the middle of uncertainty. 
In the middle of heartache. 
In the middle of ashes. 

How long will this last?

What good can come from uncertainty, heartache and ashes? 

In the midst of even this there is beauty. 

Today, I have proof that beauty can come from uncertainty, heartache and ashes. 

As we approach the Easter season, I am reminded of where this part of my story began. Almost exactly 2 years ago- April 1, 2018.

I started a conversation. 
I started a conversation that I didn’t want to start. 
With one faithful prayer warrior behind me- I made the call. 
I wanted to give up trying several times when I didn’t receive a timely response. Sometimes I looked forward to getting the voicemail box because everything inside of me was fighting against this miracle of God. But my prayer warrior simply said “Just try again”. Those simple words now represent the beginning of the transformation of my life and my Dad’s. 

My brother and I visited our biological father that Easter in 2018. We shared a simple meal together and ate standing around a foosball table. While I must have had some feelings in my soul, I couldn’t identify them. All I knew after leaving that day was that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Like Queen Esther, I knew I was there for such a time as this.  I searched back and looked at my text messages from that day when I told 2 dear friends “God lives in you. You have the resurrection power in you today! Have a super loving, healthy, fun Easter you guys! I really appreciate the prayers for my Dad and my brother today, and for me to shut up and listen:)”. My wonderful friends reminded me that the resurrection power was also in me. Boy did I need it. And now I can see, looking back, God’s resurrection power was the thing that made me start in the first place. 

That day I did something I don’t usually do as an extrovert.
That day,  I listened.
I listened for hours to a Dad who’s heart was broken. He needed our help and God taught me the year prior at a new job exactly what I needed to know in order to help him. This is proof that God is always ahead of us. The God we serve is always thinking of the next step for us in our lives even when we think it is unfathomable. 

They say hindsight is 20/20. Friends I pray that one year from now we can look back and see how we have grown. 

The last 2 years for me were not always easy. Actually, most times they were extremely difficult. But since that Easter, God worked through me and my brother to help my Dad do hundreds of things such as finding a dentist, an oral surgeon, a primary care doctor, a therapist, a psychiatrist, sign up for Medicare plans (twice), compare claims from the health insurance plan to the hospital bill, appeal said charges, pay other medical bills, pay credit card bills, organize a financial budget, create online accounts and automatic withdrawals, open bank accounts, close bank accounts, empty and clean his old house, sell his house, pay off all debt, find an apartment, move to said apartment, start a new cell phone plan, install WIFI, teach and do video chats on the phone, learn how to use a new computer, find support groups, research churches, apply, qualify and enroll in Medicaid, sign up for home care, initiate healthcare POA and financial POA and send them to what feels like everyone, find a pharmacy in network that provides packaged and delivered medications, find a new primary physician, therapist and psychiatrist, search for a new car, sell 2 cars and buy a used car all amidst making the daily decision not to give into his addiction.  

I know that I didn't need to list all of those things. It probably made this writing less appealing. But for me, it was encouraging to see it all written out. To see many of those task lists that were crossed off over the last year.  That extensive list allows me to see how much God has enabled my brother and I help my Dad. God provided the answers when we needed them without taking away the questions. And therein is the miracle. We need the times when our hearts question. We need the moments when we think our prayers aren’t working.
We need the fire to get the ashes and we need the ashes to get the beauty. 

Friends, I found beauty today even in the midst of this pandemic because April 3rd  marks my Dad’s 1 year anniversary of quitting his addiction! 1 year! For 365 days my Dad has chosen to make the better choice in his battle with addiction.

Since the day of his first admission to the hospital for detox last April, he hasn’t had a drop. He told me that he wouldn’t let me down but the nurse in me knew the odds. I doubted so much because of the statistics and his track record. I worked with recovering alcoholics at my job. I had been let down many times before and anticipated it to be true. And yes, I know that there may be a day when he doesn’t make the better choice- but I also believe in a God who has given my Dad and I the grace to get through this last year together. I refuse to live in anything other than a celebration today. For this is the day the Lord has made! My Dad has drank since he was an adolescent and has never tried quitting before last April. PRAISE GOD! It is by his grace that we made it this far. 

All this past week I have been thinking of this coming day. I knew a post was necessary and I wanted a creative way to tie it all together. What was my theme? How do I represent what I feel now so that others can be encouraged or inspired? What will draw others to what matters most during this season in our lives? And then, as I was making dinner to a new music station this song came on. ​
​

Ashes- Celine Dion

What's left to say?
These prayers ain't working anymore
Every word shot down in flames
What's left to do with these broken pieces on the floor?
I'm losing my voice calling on you
'Cause I've been shaking
I've been bending backwards till I'm broke
Watching all these dreams go up in smoke
Let beauty come out of ashes
Let beauty come out of ashes
And when I pray to God all I ask is
Can beauty come out of ashes?
Can you use these tears to put out the fires in my soul?
'Cause I need you here, woah
'Cause I've been shaking
I've been bending backwards till I'm broke
Watching all these dreams go up in smoke
Let beauty come out of ashes
Let beauty come out of ashes
And when I pray to God all I ask is
Can beauty come out of ashes?
Can beauty come out of ashes?
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Jordan Smith / Patrick Martin / Tedd Tjornhom
Ashes lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group, Fox Music, Inc
​​

Oh my friends, before I started this relationship with my Dad it felt like all that was left was ashes. My few memories of him and that part of my childhood were not good ones. My soul burned with anger for years. We didn’t talk and I liked it that way. As I got older, he would text me on holidays but I never remember responding. I made it clear that I didn’t want him involved in my life. I was embarrassed. I didn’t invite him to my wedding and I had no plans to have him involved with any future children let alone tell him about them. I tell you this so that if it applies to you, you can find hope...somewhere. And even if you don’t know if you are ready to start the process, it’s O.K. You probably will never be fully ready. But if you believe in a savior who equips you with his resurrecting power, then you have all the readiness you will ever need. Even up to a few months ago, I have written posts saying that my feelings have improved but I am still working on them. But after the fire from my anger smoldered for years and left me only with ashes I write now that God has given me joy. 

There is beauty in our phone conversations. There is beauty in my daughter singing “Jesus loves all the Papa J’s”, there is beauty in my daughter praying that his legs heal so he wouldn’t have to walk with a cane, there is beauty in the laughter of his jokes, there is beauty in his gratitude for all that I have helped him with, there is beauty in his artwork and coloring pages, there is beauty in the meals we have spent together and the prayers he has prayed for me, my friends and my family, there is beauty in the many people who have helped us this past year, I have strengthened existing friendships and found new ones that I cherish dearly, there is beauty in the prayers of all who have prayed for us during these 2 years,  there is beauty in seeing my husband support me financially, emotionally and spiritually in a way I wouldn’t have experienced otherwise, there is beauty in sharing this story with our other brother, there is beauty in sharing this story with all of you. There is beauty that has risen from the ashes.

The song lyrics said there was nothing left to say, the prayers didn’t work, all that was left was broken pieces on the floor and watching dreams go up in smoke. My journal entries right before that 2018 Easter mimic this sentiment exactly. I wrote that I didn’t even know what to pray and that it was so difficult to pray for him. I couldn’t see any effect from my prayers and I couldn’t even say that I wanted the relationship that might come out of all of this.

But God.

God had other plans even though my soul fought against it in the beginning. God made beauty out of my tears and ashes. 

I will close with this. About 10 years ago I got a tattoo. It wasn’t my first nor my last but it was somewhere in between. For all but 1 of my tattoos I have stuck with making them faith based. I figured that if I am going to regret them one day, I at least wouldn’t regret what they stood for if it was about my faith. For this particular tattoo I picked the words Dei gratia which translates to “by the grace of God” in Latin. One time someone had asked me what it meant and I simply told them the translation. To which they asked for more clarification.
I was not expecting that.
They said “Well, by the grace of God...what?”
As a believer I said,“By the grace of God that I am saved" and the conversation ended shortly after. Talk about a missed opportunity... I had many of those back then. 

But now, this tattoo that I apparently didn’t give much thought to at the time has become my anthem.

​By the grace of God my relationship with my Dad has risen into something beautiful. By the grace of God my Dad is celebrating his 1 year anniversary alcohol free. By the grace of God my daughter knows and loves both of her Papa’s. By the grace of God my brother and I have reconnected through this. By the grace of God my testimony reflects him even more. By the grace of God I have seen God turn my ashes into something beautiful. And he can do the same for you. I learned that not only did my Dad need grace, but that oh yes, I have been humbled to see that I needed it just as much. He has enough for us all. My prayer is that you can see your ashes turn to beauty by the grace of God.

​Dei gratia, 
​Andrea