Today is April 3rd, 2020. We are in the middle of the Coronavirus pandemic. 

In the middle of uncertainty. 
In the middle of heartache. 
In the middle of ashes. 

How long will this last?

What good can come from uncertainty, heartache and ashes? 

In the midst of even this there is beauty. 

Today, I have proof that beauty can come from uncertainty, heartache and ashes. 

As we approach the Easter season, I am reminded of where this part of my story began. Almost exactly 2 years ago- April 1, 2018.

I started a conversation. 
I started a conversation that I didn’t want to start. 
With one faithful prayer warrior behind me- I made the call. 
I wanted to give up trying several times when I didn’t receive a timely response. Sometimes I looked forward to getting the voicemail box because everything inside of me was fighting against this miracle of God. But my prayer warrior simply said “Just try again”. Those simple words now represent the beginning of the transformation of my life and my Dad’s. 

My brother and I visited our biological father that Easter in 2018. We shared a simple meal together and ate standing around a foosball table. While I must have had some feelings in my soul, I couldn’t identify them. All I knew after leaving that day was that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Like Queen Esther, I knew I was there for such a time as this.  I searched back and looked at my text messages from that day when I told 2 dear friends “God lives in you. You have the resurrection power in you today! Have a super loving, healthy, fun Easter you guys! I really appreciate the prayers for my Dad and my brother today, and for me to shut up and listen:)”. My wonderful friends reminded me that the resurrection power was also in me. Boy did I need it. And now I can see, looking back, God’s resurrection power was the thing that made me start in the first place. 

That day I did something I don’t usually do as an extrovert.
That day,  I listened.
I listened for hours to a Dad who’s heart was broken. He needed our help and God taught me the year prior at a new job exactly what I needed to know in order to help him. This is proof that God is always ahead of us. The God we serve is always thinking of the next step for us in our lives even when we think it is unfathomable. 

They say hindsight is 20/20. Friends I pray that one year from now we can look back and see how we have grown. 

The last 2 years for me were not always easy. Actually, most times they were extremely difficult. But since that Easter, God worked through me and my brother to help my Dad do hundreds of things such as finding a dentist, an oral surgeon, a primary care doctor, a therapist, a psychiatrist, sign up for Medicare plans (twice), compare claims from the health insurance plan to the hospital bill, appeal said charges, pay other medical bills, pay credit card bills, organize a financial budget, create online accounts and automatic withdrawals, open bank accounts, close bank accounts, empty and clean his old house, sell his house, pay off all debt, find an apartment, move to said apartment, start a new cell phone plan, install WIFI, teach and do video chats on the phone, learn how to use a new computer, find support groups, research churches, apply, qualify and enroll in Medicaid, sign up for home care, initiate healthcare POA and financial POA and send them to what feels like everyone, find a pharmacy in network that provides packaged and delivered medications, find a new primary physician, therapist and psychiatrist, search for a new car, sell 2 cars and buy a used car all amidst making the daily decision not to give into his addiction.  

I know that I didn't need to list all of those things. It probably made this writing less appealing. But for me, it was encouraging to see it all written out. To see many of those task lists that were crossed off over the last year.  That extensive list allows me to see how much God has enabled my brother and I help my Dad. God provided the answers when we needed them without taking away the questions. And therein is the miracle. We need the times when our hearts question. We need the moments when we think our prayers aren’t working.
We need the fire to get the ashes and we need the ashes to get the beauty. 

Friends, I found beauty today even in the midst of this pandemic because April 3rd  marks my Dad’s 1 year anniversary of quitting his addiction! 1 year! For 365 days my Dad has chosen to make the better choice in his battle with addiction.

Since the day of his first admission to the hospital for detox last April, he hasn’t had a drop. He told me that he wouldn’t let me down but the nurse in me knew the odds. I doubted so much because of the statistics and his track record. I worked with recovering alcoholics at my job. I had been let down many times before and anticipated it to be true. And yes, I know that there may be a day when he doesn’t make the better choice- but I also believe in a God who has given my Dad and I the grace to get through this last year together. I refuse to live in anything other than a celebration today. For this is the day the Lord has made! My Dad has drank since he was an adolescent and has never tried quitting before last April. PRAISE GOD! It is by his grace that we made it this far. 

All this past week I have been thinking of this coming day. I knew a post was necessary and I wanted a creative way to tie it all together. What was my theme? How do I represent what I feel now so that others can be encouraged or inspired? What will draw others to what matters most during this season in our lives? And then, as I was making dinner to a new music station this song came on. ​
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Oh my friends, before I started this relationship with my Dad it felt like all that was left was ashes. My few memories of him and that part of my childhood were not good ones. My soul burned with anger for years. We didn’t talk and I liked it that way. As I got older, he would text me on holidays but I never remember responding. I made it clear that I didn’t want him involved in my life. I was embarrassed. I didn’t invite him to my wedding and I had no plans to have him involved with any future children let alone tell him about them. I tell you this so that if it applies to you, you can find hope...somewhere. And even if you don’t know if you are ready to start the process, it’s O.K. You probably will never be fully ready. But if you believe in a savior who equips you with his resurrecting power, then you have all the readiness you will ever need. Even up to a few months ago, I have written posts saying that my feelings have improved but I am still working on them. But after the fire from my anger smoldered for years and left me only with ashes I write now that God has given me joy. 

There is beauty in our phone conversations. There is beauty in my daughter singing “Jesus loves all the Papa J’s”, there is beauty in my daughter praying that his legs heal so he wouldn’t have to walk with a cane, there is beauty in the laughter of his jokes, there is beauty in his gratitude for all that I have helped him with, there is beauty in his artwork and coloring pages, there is beauty in the meals we have spent together and the prayers he has prayed for me, my friends and my family, there is beauty in the many people who have helped us this past year, I have strengthened existing friendships and found new ones that I cherish dearly, there is beauty in the prayers of all who have prayed for us during these 2 years,  there is beauty in seeing my husband support me financially, emotionally and spiritually in a way I wouldn’t have experienced otherwise, there is beauty in sharing this story with our other brother, there is beauty in sharing this story with all of you. There is beauty that has risen from the ashes.

The song lyrics said there was nothing left to say, the prayers didn’t work, all that was left was broken pieces on the floor and watching dreams go up in smoke. My journal entries right before that 2018 Easter mimic this sentiment exactly. I wrote that I didn’t even know what to pray and that it was so difficult to pray for him. I couldn’t see any effect from my prayers and I couldn’t even say that I wanted the relationship that might come out of all of this.

But God.

God had other plans even though my soul fought against it in the beginning. God made beauty out of my tears and ashes. 

I will close with this. About 10 years ago I got a tattoo. It wasn’t my first nor my last but it was somewhere in between. For all but 1 of my tattoos I have stuck with making them faith based. I figured that if I am going to regret them one day, I at least wouldn’t regret what they stood for if it was about my faith. For this particular tattoo I picked the words Dei gratia which translates to “by the grace of God” in Latin. One time someone had asked me what it meant and I simply told them the translation. To which they asked for more clarification.
I was not expecting that.
They said “Well, by the grace of God...what?”
As a believer I said,“By the grace of God that I am saved" and the conversation ended shortly after. Talk about a missed opportunity... I had many of those back then. 

But now, this tattoo that I apparently didn’t give much thought to at the time has become my anthem.

​By the grace of God my relationship with my Dad has risen into something beautiful. By the grace of God my Dad is celebrating his 1 year anniversary alcohol free. By the grace of God my daughter knows and loves both of her Papa’s. By the grace of God my brother and I have reconnected through this. By the grace of God my testimony reflects him even more. By the grace of God I have seen God turn my ashes into something beautiful. And he can do the same for you. I learned that not only did my Dad need grace, but that oh yes, I have been humbled to see that I needed it just as much. He has enough for us all. My prayer is that you can see your ashes turn to beauty by the grace of God.

​Dei gratia, 
​Andrea 

I am going to close with an illustration about the witch hazel flower. Most flowers need sun, water and good soil. But what if those things weren’t available? Is it still possible for a flower to bloom in the winter? 

The witch hazel blooms red and yellow flowers and omits a delicate fragrance. According to proflowers.com the nickname of snapping hazel was given to the plant because of the seedpods that split and sends the seeds 20 feet in the air! The bark and leaves are then often distilled with alcohol or water and used as remedies for a variety of skin conditions including bruises, inflammation, irritation and swelling. 

I don’t think that we have to have everything figured out. I know that we don’t have to trust someone in order to say “hello”. I believe that we can be as mature as we can be at the stage of Christianity we are at. I believe that like the witch hazel, we can bloom characteristics that reflect God’s glory and beauty. When we work on repairing broken relationships, a delicate fragrance is released. Not only can we grow in the winter, but we can also send our story far and wide. Just like the witch hazel seeds that spring 20 feet in the air, so God uses each of our mended, broken, messy relationships to touch many other people. When we bloom and share our story, God uses it to heal a variety of wounds- bruises on our hearts, inflammation on our souls, irritation in our gut and swelling in our thoughts.

Won’t you consider starting to mend a relationship with 1 simple word? 

Hello. 

I am praying for you friends as you step out in faith, being as mature as you can be at the stage of Christianity you are at and blooming like the witch hazel. 

​_Daughter like Esther. 

_Daughter like Esther.

It’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

With a toddler around we often see very simple disappointments turn into catastrophic disasters. This morning, Hadleigh requested her favorite lately- waffle towers with whip cream. 

As Jerry was constructing the magic, he did what we always do. Nothing was different. Waffle in the toaster. Waffle comes out of the toaster. Cut the waffle into strips. Stack the sticks like a Lincoln log fire…. Add whip cream dollops. Not rocket science. 

But today. As Jerry brought his beautiful creation (including a circle of mandarin oranges around the tower might I add) she lost it. Hadleigh feels all her emotions in very big ways. I am sure those of you with toddlers feel the same way. Hearts are broken and tears flow at the smallest of “disasters”.

When she finally composed herself she mustered out the words “It’s not the way it’s supposed to be.” 

Oh how my own soul felt this. I wrote down the situation immediately so I could remind myself to do a post on this subject. So here we are. 

These words have lept off my lips and heart several times. Actually, it is the only thing that makes sense to me when I apply it to my parents divorce back when I was 5. 

My Mom and biological Father were married for 11 years. I was born in year 6 of the 11. My brother was born in the first year. So while I have heard bits of pieces of the 11 years, I only have the smallest remnant of the recollection of a 5 year old. Actually, I have little memories at all and the ones that I do have don’t make a whole lot of sense or they just hurt.  So while I know some of what the marriage was like based on conversations, my firsthand experience or memory is brief. 

After the divorce, my Mom met my Step Dad and married him shortly after. She said that she knew God told her that he was the one she was supposed to marry and that was that. And if there is anything about my Mom that I trust- it is what God tells her. She is so much of the reason why I am the way that I am. But I will leave that for another post. 

So here is the strange place where my heart wrestles. Had my step dad not entered into our (my brother and I) lives, my story would be so drastically different. While it is impossible to give the full narrative if my parents had not divorced, no one would be able to convince me that I would have been better off if they remained married. 

So here is where this all gets so raw. I meant it when I said it before- I am not holding things back. I am processing out loud (or on paper) in hopes that someone, somewhere can hear the words and either know that they aren’t alone or perhaps they can be encouraged to persevere or take a risk in a relationship. 

My step dad entered our lives and has not only said repeatedly that we are his kids but also he showed us this by his actions. He treated us as any other parents would as he raised us with my Mom. Not once did he ever say that we were not his responsibility or that he didn’t love us. He made choices throughout my childhood and into adulthood that my biological father did not make. I am forever grateful. As I aged and knew of, heard and saw other step-parents and step-children make other choices- I realized that I never had to wonder what it would be like to have a Dad. I had one. I know that this is why I ignored much of my biological father’s existence because I didn’t feel a void. I had a Dad. 

Recently I had a moment of truth during a conversation with my Step Dad. It was a good one. One that needed to be had and I now treasure it. I was worried as my relationship with my biological father progressed in whatever way that it did, that it would make my step dad feel less than or replaced or anything less than what he should have felt for choosing to love us all these years. So as I started to cry (wonder where Hadleigh gets it from), my Step Dad said all I needed to hear. He supported this journey I was embarking on. He said that he was my Dad but also that my biological Father is also my Dad. He said that my Biological Father needed me and that he was proud of me for what I was choosing to do. 

That conversation made all the difference to me. 

So backtracking to how this all started… It’s not the way it should be. 

Since Genesis, this world is not the way it should be. God intended this world to be entirely different. So, that means that there are things (many things) in this world that aren’t the way it should be. 

This statement is how I felt about the divorce. Although I know that my story is probably better and safer by the way that it turned out, I believe that God did not design us to be anything but in unity with him and each other. 

But there is hope. So I know that my story is not all that unique. There are divorced families all over. But I cling to the day when all will be as it should. 

The other night at our small group Bible study, a friend said that she heard a simple quote that can really be applied here. 

“Perhaps, today”. Friends, we do not know when the world will become as it should be. But it will. And I don’t know about you, but I know that we can bring little bits of how it should be by choosing love instead of hate. Instead of ignoring people and past relationships, we can forgive and reconcile with them.  

So let’s not waste time. Let’s make today a “Perhaps, today” day. 

Praying for you all. 

_Daughter like Esther.

_Daughter like Esther. 

Have you ever been able to relive a childhood moment as an adult? 

Sometimes those experiences are great...like each time you eat your best friends' moms' chopped meat and creamettes recipe. Or when you hear "We didn't start the fire" by Billy Joel and you can see yourself dancing and spinning in circles without a clue of what the lyrics were about. Or when you see the Facebook posts that say "click here to relive your 90's childhood". Ok, these are some of my happy memories... and unless you are my bestie Amanda, you probably don't share these same experiences. But you catch where I am going. 

I had another similar experience this weekend when Hadleigh and I went to the church library and to my surprise, she pulled out a much condensed, children's version of "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe". Immediately, I remembered how much I loved the story. I think as adults we crave the type of mystery that an enchanted world through a standard wardrobe tells. Let me find that on Wayfair! 

As I started to read through the pages that were quite densely populated with tons of words, I expected her to get bored and lose interest. Instead, she not only sat through this first book that told the first child's story but also Edmunds, Aslan's and another version that was the entire story. I actually had to tell her that we needed to finish the books at home because the library was closing! 

As I sat there reading this story to her, I fell in love with it all over again. Oh how much symmetry to the story of Jesus and his love for us.  A story laced with love, suspense, action, redemption, and restoration. All the feels. So...why is this important...apart from the obvious parallels to God's plan for this world. 

I'll tell you friends... it spoke to me and my story with my Dad. You'll find it on the page in the photo above. The second paragraph states this "Here is your brother," Aslan said, "and-- there is no need to talk to him about what is passed." 

WAIT WHAT...…??

Yup, you read it. Aslan just skips past the fact that he rescued their brother, Edmund, who told the wicked white queen [in desperate need of bronzer] the exact location where his brother and sisters were at so that she could kill them all.  

And if that wasn't shocking enough... he says the most important part of this sentence. "and-- there is no need to talk to him about what is passed." 

Oh how many things I would fit in that hyphen. This one will summarize them all. 
"Here is your selfish brother who traded you each over to the wicked queen for more Turkish Delights AND-- I think we should take at least 3 chapters to discuss what your brother did wrong to you so he can fully grasp what he did and how he can take responsibilities for each and every wrong decision. 

That's what I would have said. 

You all are smart. I think you can see where I am going with this. 

As I read these words outloud to Hadleigh they bounced right off my lips and straight to my soul. 

I started blogging to help me work through feelings and emotions that I had trouble naming. When I reached out to my Dad initially, my brother went with me for the first visit. He later shared with me that he thought that I had intended to get answers, discuss my Dad's decisions and maybe get closure on our past. 

Here is the interesting part friends. No, I take that back. Here is the straight up God being God part. 

Since I initiated [or God helped me initiate] this relationship Easter 2018, I have not once discussed the past with my Dad. I have not shared how I felt unimportant, insignificant and forgotten. I have not said how his actions spoke so much louder than the few words that were said. I hated each decision that he made over being there for his kids. This is raw truth friends. 

But here is the beauty in letting God be God. He will take care of it. I've said it before and I will repeat it again. If you show up and do your part.. however small of a part that is; God will do his.. no matter how big of a part that is. 

God said to me "Here is your Dad, and-- there is no need to talk to him about what is passed."  

I know that in some scenarios, conversation and closure is a necessary part to healing. Please don't get me wrong. My situation may not be like yours. But perhaps it is? 

God is stitching together my heart and healing the wounds. I don't even think that if I hashed out everything I felt I once needed to say it would do any good. I could never properly convey it all anyways. My words are tainted with selfish motivation and pride. What good would it be if I just sent my flaming words straight to my Dad's soul? 

So instead...let's hold on to "But God" and give a whole lotta grace friends. 

Today at church, our Pastor and dear friend, Jason sent this home in his message on Ephesians 2:1-10. 

We were part of this world but because of God we are made alive with Christ so that He could unite us to himself and show us his immeasurable wealth of grace for we are God's glorious inheritance created for good works through him.

That's hard to condense an amazing sermon into 1 really long run-on sentence! 

Just as I received the gift of underserved kindness [grace] so am I called to GIVE that gift to others. 

By giving the gift of free grace to someone who doesn't deserve it, it opens the door to a relationship. Just as Christ did for us. How amazing that we can do this for others?

Just remember this... None of us got into the family because we deserved it. 

Who do you know that doesn't deserve your grace, but because God gave it to you, you can choose to give it away too. 

Praying for you all my dear reader friends!

_Daughter like Esther. 

_Daughter like Esther. 

Everyone was taking pictures and posting of their kids going back to school today. 

Today, our family hit a new milestone. My Dad has moved into a new apartment that is closer to us. I can't believe that this day has actually come. 

For anyone else who has walked through the path of helping an aging parent, a friend with mental illness and addiction, or a relative with hoarding tendencies, Hi friend. I can meet you right there in the middle of it all.

For what seemed like endless hours, days and weeks I have spent sorting, dumping, selling,  organizing and with what energy remained- cleaning. I can't tell you how many times my emotions got the best of me. I have yelled and vented. I have cried more times than I can count.

I am so thankful for the close friends and family that have given me safe spaces to process all of what is happening....[welcome to my close friends group. I treasure you too now that I feel led to share these deep feelings with others].

Oh but friends....listen in. I have so much to be grateful for. I have ideas upon ideas for different posts to tell you about. Here is one sweet perspective that I have gained from this particularly difficult weekend. 

I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor as I scrambled to finish today. As my muscles screamed for me to stop and my eyes swelled up with more tears- I said for the millionth time "I am never doing this again". 

Then it happened. 

God whispered to me. He said. "This is an example of my love for you. I sent my son to clean up the dirt of your life, your mistakes, and your choices. In his perfect sacrifice, he only needed to do it once. But my child, he would choose to do it over and over again... for you".

I'd like to say after that revelation, my heart completely changed and I could say that I would take on this challenge again if my Dad needed me to. But instead, I am embracing that I cannot imagine doing this again. Instead, I am giving praise to God that he has chosen me and that in his perfect love- he would AND does choose me again and again...every time. WOW. What a love that is. 

Onward into tomorrow friends. Say those words back to yourself tonight. God would do the worst thing imaginable, again and again. Because you are worth that much to him. 

_Daughter like Esther. 

_Daughter like Esther. 

In the book of Esther we are told that her father and mother had died. While my biological father did not die, the relationship did. 

As I have mentioned in other posts, I felt many feelings towards my father- Abandonment, unimportance, disinterest, anger, indifference and sadness just to name a few. 

But isn't God great? 

He works with what we have. He didn't wait until my feelings changed. All of those feelings I just listed still remained when I reached out to my Dad last Easter. Some of those feelings still remain today, but not nearly at the intensity that they were a year ago. That is the amazing thing about grace. If you choose to give it to someone else who doesn't deserve it, you let go of the feelings that held you back without even addressing them individually. This is why I think God has a name as Counselor. The other amazing thing about giving grace to someone who didn't earn it is that it allows Jesus to shine. In order to make a serious difference in this world, we have to do something that is seriously different than what we see in the world. I would also like to say it is good to focus on progress, not perfection my friends. If we waited until the perfect moment- there never would be one. 

This photo is a picture of 3 Christian books that relate to 3 specific medical conditions that my father has been diagnosed with. The first one I have shared since it is the biggest part of our journey together but the other 2 will remain hidden for his privacy. 

I found these books when I was at the church bookstore looking for a devotional for him...…..funny how God wanted to work on me rather than me trying to work on my Dad....

While it is certainly foundational to obtain an understanding about a person's diagnoses it is just as important to gain insight on how to love that person with that diagnosis. Sometimes we have to change the way we love in order to make it more effective. 

While our relationship is far from perfect, I am just praising God since I can honestly say it is a miracle that it even exists. 

The letter pictured here is a 10 age poem my Dad wrote for my brother and I. Sometimes I forget that he has feelings too. And that his feelings are just as real and valid as mine- even though they differ. This poem reminds me that he too is on his own journey, we just happen to be sharing the road together. This too, I will keep. 

​_Daughter like Esther. 

_Daughter like Esther. 

Just the beginnings. 

May 2016. I started a new job as the a Director of Faith Community Nursing. Oh my how my heart changed in James Place. Shortly after I started, God whispered to me "My child, how is it that you can care so deeply for these strangers but you have no feelings or care towards your own Dad?" 

So what did I do?

Ignored that repeated whisper for 2 years of course. 

March 4, 2018 Journal Entry reads- "God, you are growing me. So many areas of my life seem to make sense right now- all but the relationship with ___ (my Dad's nickname. I couldn't even say "Dad"). It's so complicated that I am grateful I don't even have to try and think of the right words to go here. You know it far better than I could ever attempt to explain. Why is praying for him so hard? But in obedience, I will try". 

Sunday sermon notes from that week are immediately below that entry. "Do you believe that God can? That God is able?"

Bitterness and rebellion ravage the soul like a flesh eating bacteria. Sure you can ignore it, but you aren't better off for it. Friends, I encourage you. Listen. Listen to that still small whisper. What is it trying to say to you this day? Perhaps like me, you have heard it before. Perhaps not. But don't let bitterness, rejection and fear of what the future holds win the battle over your heart. 

Easter 2018. I stopped ignoring and acted. While my feelings towards my Dad did not change...or even exist at this point, I just picked up the phone and texted. Do not wait to figure out your feelings. God will do his part....just begin yours. 

This photo was colored by my Dad on his 65th day of sobriety. As a minimalist...I don't keep much.

But this...this I will keep.

_Daughter like Esther. 

_Daughter like Esther. 

This looks like a plate of bad food. Fried, unseasoned, unhealthy, unappetizing and cheap. It wasn't very good. But to me, this plate has significance. 

This meal was the first meal at a restaurant that I have ever shared with my biological father. 
Since Easter 2018, God has been moving mountains. These mountains had to be moved closer to me in order for me to start the climb up them. So while this journey of reconciliation comes with it's challenges. I know that God is at work. 

 Since my parents divorced when I was 5 I have been estranged with my Dad. I never really felt like I needed him. My Mom married my stepfather and he chose each and every day to love my brother and I. He is my Dad. Only recently have I needed to identify which "Dad" I am talking about in conversations. For the rest of this post and most that will be in this category, when I say Dad- I will be referring to my biological father. 

You see, my Dad is complicated. I didn't invite him to my wedding. Didn't intend on my children ever to be around him. We were never close. I expected little and received even less growing up. My memories are vague and really none smell sweet to my soul. It was easier to avoid the issues and ignore him all together. Oh my friends- this is raw.   

This will not be the last post about my Dad but it is the first. You see, he is a recovering alcoholic. The meal took place when he was 78 days into his sobriety. He has never been sober a day in his life until April 3, 2019. So this picture is much more than what it seems. 

This meal is about a daughter and a father talking. This meal is about a relationship repairing. This meal is about emotions, fears, triumphs, and frustrations. This meal is about reconciliation. This meal is a step- a leap towards stitching broken hearts. 

We don't always have to understand why God calls us to do things. We also don't have to wait until our feelings catch up. Love starts small. Love starts in actions. Love starts in picking up the phone to text. Love starts with a simple hello. Love starts with listening. 

God is working on me. God is working on my Dad. This journey continues. 141 days into sobriety, I can't deny that there is a Creator who is cheering us both on. 

More to come on this story... so much more friends. 

But this is the beginning- not the end.